“Hurt people hurt people.” At least that what “they” say. Recently, I was hurt. And not to even go into the specifics of the situations, because -at this point- they do not even matter. I remember asking the person who hurt me, “Why did you choose to make the choices you made?” I asked because I genuinely wanted to know. How could anyone hurt someone he or she claims to love? How could anyone continuously exhibit behavior that is detrimental to the mental and physical state of someone who they claim lives in their heart? It did not/has not registered with me still.
I’ll never forget the night we met. You have your sunglasses on. Vibin’. Dancing. You just knew you were the s-h-i-t. And I knew I wanted you. That physical attraction became a love attraction. You stole my heart. It was completely accidental. Two worlds clashing into one. You “cut off the hoes” for ya boy *insert smirk* You made me feel so special. I wonder if you know how much I admire you. A young, black, successful man. I’m so proud to stand by your side. Our styles complement each other, but more importantly, I believe in you. I believe in all that you can be. I see you the way God sees you and that makes me love you even more.
Creepy, but I watch you as you sleep. Your heavy, grizzly-like breathing does more to me than you can imagine. Especially after I fed you, or we’ve made love… and you gracefully fall asleep. I’m left awake thinking, “Wow. I did that!” I’ve made him happy. When we’re making love and I’m whispering in your ear, “I’ll do anything for you,” it’s not me being caught in the moment; I really would do anything for you. I love you that much. I love you so much it hurts.
It hurts when you can’t express yourself to me. It hurts when we can talk. Last night I thought I would die. I laid crying uncontrollably on the living room floor as you slumbered away in the bed. What can I do to be perfect for him? How can I be better… for him? That’s where the hurt comes in. Tell me what you want and I’ll do it.
Fifty years from now I still want to lay on your chest and listen to you breathe. I still want you to fall asleep in my lap after you eat and I’m up watching Criminal Minds or Power or Game of Thrones or whatever show that annoys the shit out of you. I want to wake you up by jumping in the bed every morning and repeating your name over and over just to annoy you. I want to bother you for the rest of my life, because that’s how much I love you.
I can’t picture myself going a day without you. I want to wake up to your morning breath every day… And that doesn’t matter because the minute you flash me that gorgeous smile, I’ll dive right into your mouth for a morning kiss. That’s how much I love you.
I know it hasn’t been easy, but it’s worth it. It’s frustrating, but I’m willing to learn, if you’re willing to teach. I’m willing to teach you how to treat me, but this has to be a two-way street.
All of that concludes with these final thoughts…. If we are honest and trusting with one another, then we will thrive. Baby, I want to be your best friend. I want to know all of your secrets. I want you to tell me all of your fears. Just as you are my Superman, I’ll be your Robin. I’ll always have your back and I’ll never be too far away when you call. That’s how much I love you.
I keep allowing myself to get in these uncomfortable situations with my heart. I’d promised myself I would never fall in love again, not like this. Not with someone who wasn’t ready for the love I have to give. Not with someone who didn’t know if he wanted to love me back. Not with someone who didn’t make me feel like I’m worth everything and more. Not with someone who didn’t make my fairytale come to life.
I’m upset. God, why did you make me so vulnerable, so gullible to love? Why do you allow me to love so easily when you told me to guard my heart above all else? I don’t understand it. Why am I the one who keeps getting my heart broken? What lesson is in this?
“What’s wrong with me? How come you don’t want to be in love with me? What can I do to be perfect for you? Tell me; I’ll do anything, I’ll be anything.” I’ve had Toni Braxton on repeat all morning and it’s making my spirit unsettled. Because every word she sings is exactly how I feel.
I’ve tried loving people just like me, loving people opposite of me, loving people who don’t deserve my love, and nothing ever works. And it hurts. I. Am. Hurting. I am vulnerable. I am tired. I am tired of this repeating cycle. It’s not fun for me. Every time I want to give up, my hopeful heart jumps right back in the mix. “Give it up, heart. Give up on love,” I tell it. But he never listens to me. As bruised and as scarred as he is, he’s relentless.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I escape this endless cycle of love and pain? Someone please tell me. I’m hanging on by a thread here.
Monday night, I was riding home. My heart was breaking and I wanted to open the door and jump out at 70mph. It was the first time I’ve seriously contemplated hurting myself because of my heart. And maybe I would have died? Then the pain would be over. I wouldn’t have to love anymore. I’d finally be at peace. I’d finally be free.
Then I was brought back to reality. My hopeful heart wouldn’t allow me to open that door. “Hold on,” it says. Our time is coming. But my mind says, “let go.” Let all the pain go away. So instead of dying, I sleep. I sleep and I work. Work and sleep. The only things that keep me sane. I’d hoped love would keep me grounded, but no one loves me the way I deserve to be loved. Only God.
This is as honest and as transparent as it gets. I don’t want to be bothered. Pray for me.
Sometimes I wish we’d never met That we’d never locked eyes on that dance floor that February night
That’d I’d never fallen in love with you
Then I wouldn’t be scared
I wouldn’t be scared of loving you, of hurting you
Sometimes I wish I’d never caught feelings
Then I could see you without being week in the knees
I could be near you without being so helpless, so vulnerable
Sometimes I wish love didn’t hurt
But the pain lets me know it’s real
But sometimes I want the love
Just the love without the pain
Sometimes I wish you would just get me
Get inside of this complicated, was eccentric, bipolar head of mine and just know me
Accept me flaws and all
Sometimes I wish we could do it all over
We’d met, but I’d tell my past self to be cautious
To not fall in love with you
To not let you become my super hero
To take it at face value
Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wish
That I would just live for the moment
Creating our own moments and not allowing everyday obstacles to limit and restrain us
After all the wishing, I’m brought back to reality
The reality is that I’m in love with you
And that scares the shit out of me
I’m scared this may actually work
I’m scared you might actually be the one
And I’m scared you will hurt me
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a hopeless romantic
But that I am and will always be
And for that, I’ll do it scared
I’ll give this my all
I’ll dive in head first
And I pray this works
“Forever He is glorified. Forever He is lifted is lifted high. Forever He is risen. He is alive! He is alive!”
Take me out the club, keep me out the streets
Teach me everything you know
Love me like there’s no tomorrow
Take me on a wild adventure
Expose me to something new
Be the man in my fairytale,
and I’ll forever be true
Give me your time and your heart
Treat me like an investment
In return, I’ll give you the world
You’ll never live to regret it
Give me loyalty and give me life
Give me your body and soul
In return, you’ll have me forever
You’ll be my stars to the night
Share with me your vision
Tell me all of your dreams
In return, I’ll provide security
I’ll make sure it becomes reality
All I want is your love
It’s as simple as it can be
Hand in hand and heart in heart
Our love can set us free
“Your life matters. God has a calling and plan for your life. If you don’t know your history, you won’t understand your destiny. Your destiny is connected to your history and your legacy. Be a legacy driven person.” @PhilMunsey #LakewoodChurch
Today was the first time he said it. Those three words that everyone yearns to hear. Those three words that God created the entire universe for. Those three words that Jesus died for us for. Three words that a man would risk it all for. Those three words that changes a life – my life – forever.
It started with a text that stated, “Wish you would take a late lunch and come bang me out.” It’s been over two weeks since I’d seen him due to travel and work. Too long to be away from him. My body yearned to be next to his. The anticipation grew once the gray bubbles appeared toward the bottom left of my phone screen. “I’ll be off at 4. I can come when I get off.” 2:53p. One hour and seven minutes, I thought to myself. I needed to “get ready” and quickly. My eating habits over my vacation break sure as hell didn’t make this an easy task, but I accomplished it. After all, my future husband was about to come and rearrange my furniture. Some preliminary dusting needed to be done, if you catch my drift.
“I’m here.” 4:52p. I was greatful for those precious 52 minutes of extra prep time. And, unknowningly, he’s grateful too. I met him downstairs at the front door. Opening the door felt like opening the door to heaven. The blaze of the sun, or the light of his smile, caused him to radiate with light. He’s the most beautiful structure I’ve ever laid eyes on. In what seemed to be one big motion, I jumped and threw myself around him, embracing his warm, sun-blazed body. He was warm, and that warmth sent a comfort through my body unlike anything I’ve ever felt. “I’ve missed you!” The words poured from my lips before I could even process them. “I’ve missed you, too.” He said, still smiling.” I didn’t want the embrace to end.
We slowly walked upstairs to the room. I proceeded him up the steps and could feel his eyes watching my ass as I made my way up to my bedroom. We got up to the room and he closed the door behind us. I was right in the middle of cleaning the bathroom before he came over, so I quickly finished my chore, washed up, and returned to him. He was sitting on the bed, smiling up at me. My insides turned in anticipation of what I knew he was about to do to me. I leaned over into his face and began to kiss his beautifully sculpted lips – the lips of a god (Cupid maybe). It felt like the first time. I didn’t want the kiss to ever stop.
I could feel like left hand on the back of my right thigh; he was pulling me into him, on top of his lap. I sat in his lap, twisted just enough for my right arm to cradle the back of his head, without interrupting our sweet kiss. It was too good to stop. “I’ve missed you so much, daddy.” I managed to whisper in between the sucking of our lips. “I know, baby. I couldn’t wait for you to return.” My insides continued to churn and dampen.
His pulled me around the waist with his left hand until I was on my back and he was above me. There was a slight pause as he took a moment to lock eyes with me, and then continued to kiss me. I began to moan in excitement. Each and every time with him is like the first time. I removed the towel that had been around my waist from after my shower to expose my naked body. Suddenly, he through my legs above my head and lifted my ass into the air. Face first, he dove right into my cakes. My head instantly leaned back into the pillow that held it up. Those God-like lips French-kissed my hole over and over. I felt like a caterpillar transitioning into a butterfly. There’s no better feeling than being with the one you belong to. I am his. It is his. And he knows it.
He came up and gave me a taste of my own juices, my sweet, divine juices. I pushed him up until he was standing. It was my turn to reciprocate to passion. I leaned down over his eggplant and slowly wrapped my tight, wet lips around him. A soft sigh escaped his open mouth as he allowed his head to fall back. I took sign as a compliment and a challenge. I wanted to hear more sighs and heavy breathing and there was only one way to accomplish that goal. I needed to suck that dick like I was made at it! And that I did. He finally had to stop me to prevent himself from cumming before even getting the cookies.
His hands slowly guided me down on my back. Gently, he pulled my legs back over my head and gave my hole one more tease with his wet tongue before slowly guiding his thick eggplant deep into my hole. Finally, we were one again. Finally, our bodies were connected again. “Damn.” He whispered into my ear. Again, my inner-self was pleased. His pleasure is my pleasure. I am his and his alone.
We started slow. It had been two weeks, and the sensation was overwhelming, for both of us. Gradually, we sped up. Our eyes intently locked into each other’s, reading each other’s minds. We were making magic – love magic. He felt blissful inside me – perfectly in tune with my body, my soul, my heart. “I miss this pussy.” He said, deeply staring into my eyes.
“It misses you too, baby.” I hardly managed to get it out though between my moans. “It’s yours, daddy. It belongs to do.”
“How much do you miss me?” His pounding increased in speed and force.
“I miss you enough to not be away from you ever again.” And I meant every word. Two weeks was entirely too long.
Quickly, he pulled out and turned my over on all fours. “Fuck me like you miss me, baby!”He then pushed himself back inside of me, slapping my ass as he pounded me over and over again. I twisted my chest around to look him in the eyes and kiss him as he dutifully pounded me over and over again. The pleasure was so intense I turned around and laid my chest flat on the bed and let him have his way with me. I started to throw my ass back on him. I wanted more and more of him inside of me. This euphoria should be never-ending.
Again, the intensity became to great for him to handle. He pulled out and flipped me back over to my back. Slowly, he slid back inside of me, using his chest to pin my legs into my chest, his weight settled on top of me. It’s my favorite position. Him in total dominance over me. We locked lips as he continued to dig me out. “I love you. I LOVE you! I LOVE YOU!” Before I knew it, those three words rose out of my soul and into the atmosphere. “I love you, too!” He gracefully, unhesitantly said it back.I released total control of myself to him, in that moment. He said it back! Omg! So many thoughts poured through my head. But they all ended with love.
The excitement of the moment geared us up for a reverberating climax. “I’m bout to nut!” Four words that forever brings pleasure to a bottom. Everytime I hear him say it, I feel like I’ve won the spelling bee. Pleasing one’s man is definitely an accomplishment to be proud of. He pulled out and shot an ooze of fresh baby juice all over my arms and stromach. I was bathing in his love-potion. Shortly after, I came. But even that satisfying climax couldn’t compare to those three words we exchanged to one another. It was our first time. Our precious, first time. And I’ll never forget it.
Regardless of whatever we are to one another, there is a love that exist here, between us now. That love shall combine us forever. In this moment, I cannot stop smiling. I cannot stop reliving our moment. I can’t delete his picture from my mind. I don’t want to.
Hey, Fancy Friends:
I was inspired to write today. I needed a break from everything that’s happening in the world with these senseless killings and such. I deleted all social media apps from my phone for the time being, so you’ll see more from me on my blog until I decide to log back into my social accounts.
I hope you all enjoyed my bed-time story lol.
As I uber’d to the airport, I could hardly stomach looking out the window. Los Angeles has so many people I love and care for; my heart is there. How would you feel if you had to leave your heart behind?
L.A. is home, but for whatever reason, God hasn’t allowed me to leave Houston yet. And I have to be okay with that until He releases me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but obedience is key. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want for the greater good. No one said it would be easy, but it’s definitely necessary.
Words can’t describe the magnitude of the connection that I have with that city. One day, I’ll return home. Only God knows when. Until then, I won’t question, I’ll just exist and enjoy every moment of life that I can.
Danyell, Raynell, Nathan, Miikey & Will, Jordan, Joshie, Nikki, Julius, James, Sergio, my Dallas friends, who were in town, and Tacarra (even tho I didn’t get to see you), and the new friends I made while there – Dathan and Trek – the singing group. Shoutout to you all for making this the best vacation I’ve ever had.
This 3.5 hour flight is wearing on me and I’m ready to get off this plane, although I’m not ready to be back in Houston. However, I have to attend Jamaal’s b’day pool party this Saturday and a party for Shaughn. Someone said to me yesterday, “You stay booked.” And that, I do.
I’m all for creating memories with the people I love… And if me showing up for them at their request can create a magical moment, then I am for it.
Returning home also means me dealing with my professional and personal life. 😩 While in L.A., I didn’t have to focus on those things. However, I need to begin prepping for my new job asap. There is a ton of reading and preparing I need to begin. Now is the perfect time for that. Also, I’m gearing up to move into a new apartment, which is stressful in itself. *sighs*
And to the matter of my personal life… I had a conversation with my “him”. I told him I’d be patient until he’s ready. I told him I want it all. I want his heart and definitely all of his attention. I feel that we are slowly working towards a common goal. I’ve never, ever been this patient with a guy, but this one is worth the wait. He’ll be my husband.
Anyway, enough of that. I’ll be landing within the hour. Hit me up, Houston.
Until next time, Fancy Friends…
Currently in L.A. on vacation. I’m in an uber and I look over to my right… I see two black men driving in a BMW 3 series with Minnesoda license plates. My eyes venture through the vehicle and in the black I see a pile of clothes. This scheme was all too familiar. They were moving to Los Angeles… Coincidentally, or intentionally, they’re landing here on Independence Day. What a perfect way to celebrate ones freedom by embarking on a new journey within a new city – chasing ones destiny.
I couldn’t help but get emotional at the site. One, I saw myself in them. Two years ago to the date, that was me. I packed my 3 series with my clothes and drove to i10 in Houston and continues West for 1200 miles until I got here. I fell in love with LA. It’s my second home, outside of Houston.
Now my thoughts are clouded with what if’s and why’s, but I’ll just leave this moment where it is. I won’t question, I’ll just exist, for now. This journey has definitely been a hard one.
Meanwhile, I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday with their loved ones.
Until next time, Fancy Friends.